Judgement Day!

Week 29

Weight: 18st 4lb
Gain this week: 2lb
Total lost: 63.5lb

I got home from our camping trip yesterday tanned, grubby, knackered, and 2lb heavier. 2lb, that's fine. Better than fine. I essentially relaxed and ate what was available when I was hungry for a whole week. Oh yes, I may have only camped for 4 nights but I couldn't rev myself up to be bothered on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday either. So it could have been much much worse. I'm actually seeing it as a very positive little gain because in the past I would easily have gained half a stone if I cut loose from The Plan. 2lb indicates to me that there were some internal checks and balances at work stopping me from going wild in the country.

I feel a need to address the issue of my relationship with food here. My desire to cut loose on holiday wasn't born from a need to eat more or eat badly in order to enjoy myself. It was out of a desire to not have to spend my break worrying about food, about finding a way to fit in with everyone else. I wanted to be able to stop on a visit somewhere for lunch and grab a sandwich from a shop to eat in the park. I confess to an icecream in the park one day, with everyone else. In other words I wanted, for just those few days, for food to be an absolute non issue, thought about or discussed only when strictly necessary. Isn't that how it is for normal (thin!) people?

I'm now 100% back on plan, happy to be eating healthily, looking forward to my bowl of strawberries and yoghurt later. And I'm also excessively delighted to have found a stockist of Warburtons All in One which is a white bread loaded with all the fibre and goodness of wholemeal. 2 slices from the medium 800g loaf is 1 Healthy Extra B plus 1 syn. You can only understand how ecstatic this has made me if you have spent over 6 months managing your toast and bread needs on 2 slices from a 400g loaf of wholemeal. Breadtastic!

My aim for this week is to lose all of the 3 1/2lbs I have gained over the last 2 weeks. Wish me luck!

Then there were 2

Week 28

Weight: 18st 2lb
Gain this week: 1.5lb
Total lost: 65.5lb

It's been a week of ups and downs. All week I felt ridiculously hungry. I'd eat a hearty meal and 2 hours later I felt almost sick with hunger. It was hard to keep making the right choices, but I managed to do so right through till Friday evening, when I just caved in and ate something that appealed rather than what I knew I could or should eat. It was so good that I can't even remember what I ate now. Unfortunately though that set the tone for the weekend, and I had some cake, some chips and even some sweets over the next couple of days. On Friday it would have been redeemable. By Sunday I knew it wasn't anymore, and there would be a price to pay on the scales. I actually feel fairly relieved the price is as low as 1.5lbs!

I'd love to say to you that I am now 100% back on track and a dead cert to lose again this week. But if I'm going to be honest, I'm going away for 4 nights on Thursday and I don't have any strong plans to be too inconvenienced by trying to stay on plan. I know that's not a fabulous attitude, but it's probably the only holiday I'll afford this summer so dammit I'm going to relax and enjoy it! I promise that normal service will be resumed as of next week.

In better news this weekend, I bought some stuff in the Next sale. For me!! That's never happened before!

Also quite exciting this weekend was a new addition to our family. Lola is 2 years old and is half sister to Barney. When she turned up at Greyhound Gap it would have been impossible for me to look away! She looks like a younger, smaller and prettier version of Barney, and they look so good together. But my goodness she is a different personality! Barney is so laid back you'd hardly know he was there, except for the weight of him leaning against your leg! Lola is bouncy and cheeky and very very nosey, and oh so very greedy! I have spent the better part of today wrestling various food and non-food items from her jaws, including a yo-yo which had me worried!!

There'll never be a dull moment now!

Friday Night Ponderings.

This post follows neatly on from my last, in relation to BMI and body size.

I've noticed that when I look in a mirror these days, the woman looking back at me appears to be a fairly "normal" size woman. OK yes still an overweight woman, but even so, I feel as though my current body size and shape conforms more easily to the norms of society. I don't think I would draw any gasps of amazement or furtive looks of disgust. That's a pretty nice feeling, and I'm not sure when it happened.

Now here's a mystery. How come I am now, at 18st or so, wearing a size 20. I'm pretty certain that shouldn't be so. I'm as sure as I can be that in days of yore an 18st woman would have been more like a size 24 or 26. Vanity sizing? I'm not sure that entirely accounts for it. I am happily wearing a waterproof coat that I bought about 10 years ago. It was from Next and I recall being pretty jubilant about being able to buy it from Next at the time. I would have weighed maybe 15st, maximum. So it is as though my body is physically smaller per pound than 10 years ago. Is that weird or what!

Of course this begs the question of where my goal weight will fall. What will my "Happy Weight" be? I have a feeling it will be higher than those pesky BMI charts would like.

Of course it could just be that I'm delusional. That's OK too. As long as it keeps a smile on my face, it's all good!

Lazy, in so many ways!

Week 27

Weight: 18st 0.5lb
Loss this week: 1.5lb
Total lost: 67lb

Oooh that's getting me close to the 17 somethings! In actual fact, because my scales at home weigh me marginally lighter than those at my Slimming World class, I am already at 17st something at home - hurray! That evil 20 something is starting to feel a safe-ish distance away now, it's increasingly unlikely that I'll just wake up in the morning and find myself back there. Phew!

I was asked by a fellow SW member tonight how I'm going on at the gym, and I had to admit with horror that I haven't been there since my Race for Life - that's over 3 weeks ago! Shame on me. How easy it is to slide out of the routine, to break the good habits and return to the bad. My only defence is that I am getting plenty of walks courtesy of Barney the greyhound. But he's quite lazy actually and tires before me - we did about 2.5k this morning and he was knackered for the rest of the day! Bless! Maybe I'll have to build his stamina up so he can do my next 5k race with me. Maybe he should build mine up so I could actually run it ;-)

I'm very tired right now, having worked last night, so I'm going to take the lazy way out of this blog entry and direct you to a fellow blogger. Sharon has written a very thought provoking entry on the subject of weight and women's tendency to lie about it, making it very hard to identify what a normal healthy weight is for those of us looking for a target! Her post ends with a link to a series of images of many women of various weights, and their label of underweight, normal, overweight, obese or morbidly obese. It's worth spending the time it takes to scroll through every image - some will astound you I promise.

Pasta Queen Avert Your Eyes!

Pasta Queen Jeanette has posted a link to this article, while categorically refusing to read it. I can totally see why - nobody wants to read something that suggests that they are genetically doomed to fail! However I have taken the "Knowledge is power" approach and greedily devoured the article in lieu of a burger. And actually I find it quite uplifting. It's good to be told that it's not all my own fault that I'm fat, that down the years I have self sabotaged all the good work I have ever done in losing weight.

Did you hear that? It's not all my own fault!

I feel really liberated by that. I don't have to blame myself, beat myself up, hate myself if I gain a few pounds. I'm not weak, lazy or greedy. If I'd have known and understood the evolutionary process that leads us to self sabotage, I may have been able to deal with it years ago.

For anyone not bothered about reading the article, the gist is that by losing 10% of our body fat no matter whether we are fat or thin to start with, we experience a drop in leptin levels which causes a series of physiological changes as our bodies to attempt to claw it back ASAP. In fact, in evolutionary terms, I'd be a survivor!

Dr. Leibel also says that people should understand that regaining lost weight "is not free will. It's biologically determined and the species that didn't have this are the ones you see in the Museum of Natural History."

Suck on that, skinny birds who think it's all about less calories, more exercise!

OK I've come back to edit this a bit, by adding that I realise evolution can't explain how I got to over 300lbs, but it certainly helps explain why it's so hard to maintain a weight loss. As I said earlier, knowledge is power and if we know what is likely to happen and why, we can be prepared for it.

5 Good Reasons

Week 26

Weight: 18st 2lb.
Loss this week: 2.5lb
Total lost: 65.5lb

6 months in, time for reflection. How has losing 65.5lbs affected me in real terms?

1: Clothes. I have a choice. I don't have to go to Evans for all my clothes. Actually that dress in my previous post is from Evans, but it didn't have to be. I had a choice. You don't know how big a deal that is unless you have been in the position of having no choice.

2: Self esteem. 65.5lbs ago my self esteem was low. I wouldn't say non existent, but certainly low. Now I feel like I could conquer the world. I smile more, I chat in the playground more, I go out and do more. Life is good.

3: Exercise. A little over 6 months ago I did nothing. I eyed stairs with trepidation. The car was my friend, and I made ridiculous excuses to use it as often as possible! Now I can run up stairs without a second thought, I am happy to go on long walks, and will even break into a jog. I enjoy exercise now! My car is using a lot less petrol - I wonder why!

4: Health. I was lucky really, in that my health hadn't obviously suffered despite my weight. The only tangible health benefit I can identify is that I stopped suffering from heartburn and acid reflux a few stones ago. I used to have to take regular medication to prevent hydrochloric acid searing my oesophagus on a daily basis. And now I don't. The less tangible benefits to my health are a reduced risk of diabetes, heart disease, strokes and obesity related cancers. What a bonus!

5: Blogging! I get to tap into my creative streak and write all this stuff down! I love blogging, and it shines through for me as a totally unexpected bonus of my weight loss. So expect to see me here for a long time yet :-)

Dress Toes & Hair!

By popular demand, a photo post. Who am I to ignore the requests of my public ;-)

Sparkly Toes

Today, in celebration of the weight I've lost so far, I treated myself to a non-food reward. I went for a professional pedicure. This took almost as much nerve as going to the gym all those months ago, somehow I don't feel like I deserve to be in a beauty salon amongst all those young slim perma-tanned girls. But I wanted a pedicure, I wanted my feet to be rewarded for carrying me successfully for all these years!

I have to say it was bliss. My feet have never, in 41 years, had an hour and a half of non stop attention lavished upon them. They have been soaked, exfoliated, moisturised, polished and sparkled and it was a most relaxing way to spend the morning. And I now have bright red toenails with gems on - how sexy is that!

I've also had a haircut today, and bought a new dress to hang in my empty wardrobe. The dress is way too nice for me. I will wear it to a party tonight and then the plan is I will dress it down, add a brown belt instead of the shiny one supplied and make it daywear. But whether I am realistically able to carry such a glamorous daytime look remains to be seen. I hope so, I do love it!

In other news, Rebecca hopped on the scales yesterday. I am now able to say that I have lost a whole one of her! Look at her photo over there <-------- that's how much weight I've lost! I can still give her a piggyback, but I wouldn't want to be carrying her around full time!